Things have been hard. Not going to lie. Getting this little farm rehabbed and functioning is a challenging project on a good day. Throw on top of that 20” of rain between mid-November and mid-January, and rain pretty much ever weekend since then and it’s a recipe for what feels like a disaster in the moment.

I almost broke yesterday. I needed another round bale for the horses, on the heels of over an inch of rain that fell on the completely saturated ground on Saturday. But they needed hay, and I couldn’t keep tossing small bales out. It was windy, gusts up to 40mph, and cold. And then there were snow squalls that started to get kicked up (that was not in my bingo card for the day). And while attempting to drop the round bale over the fence (can’t go through the pasture, see aforementioned mud situation), the wind almost blew the tractor over.

Love is a fickle thing. We think we know it, and while we aren’t wrong, I would like to suggest that we know an aspect of love.

A very dear friend is going through the decline of her beloved dog. While connecting in with her elderly dog and along with her former dogs, they showed me something so profound.

Each one of them brought forward a different aspect of love.

“The only way out is through” - Robert Frost

He’s likely not the first one to have said this, and others have echoed his wisdom. In fact NIN has a song by nearly the same title.

This is the thing about achieving results with our pets (and everywhere in life…): the only way to accomplish anything is by putting in the time and effort.

Want to take your dog or cat traveling?

Want to enjoy calm trail rides with your horse?

Want to have stress free vet visits with your pets?

Want to be able to enjoy taking off-leash walks with a dog who sticks by your side?

The answer to all of these is a million baby steps from where ever you are to where you want to be.

As humans the concept of “right” and “wrong” is so ingrained in us that we can’t help but apply it to just about everything. And when it comes to our pets, it’s easy to fall into that trap of believing that when they are not feeling well that something is wrong and therefore we must fix it.

The universe doesn’t function in those terms. Ultimately, there is no right or wrong, there is only what is in the present moment.

I finally got around to watching My Octopus Teacher on Netflix (what can I say, I live under a rock most of the time, kinda like an Octopus). I was fascinated to watch as Craig Foster cultivated a trusting relationship with an Octopus in the South African ocean. At one point he watches in horror as she is attacked by a shark. It grabs one of her arms and brutally rips it completely off. Not going to lie, I think I held my breath for longer than he was underwater at that point, as I felt my own fear for her life.

What was your motivation when you decided to bring home that fuzzy little bundle of fur?

Were you looking for companionship? Comfort? That unconditional love that is given by a pet that is unmatched by anything else? Fun? Friendship? Or was it an impulsive decision that happened on the spur of the moment when you saw an adorable picture and just couldn’t resist?

So let me ask you now, what keeps you motivated to do the things that are beneficial for your pet that might not be so warm and fuzzy feeling, like cleaning up that litter box?

One of the hardest things about deciding to do something outside your comfort zone is that it’s going to be hard. And when we decide we want to take our pet training and relationships to the next level, or even “fix” a problem that we are tired of dealing with, it’s going to require that we get out of our comfort zone, and that’s going to require discomfort.

I can tell you all day long about techniques for overcoming pet behavior problems, like how to correct your dog’s misbehavior. Or how to build the relationship so that your horse willingly comes to you instead of playing a game of pasture tag for an hour plus every time you go out there for a ride.

But if you aren’t willing to get uncomfortable long enough to integrate a new skill, then you’ll forever be frustrated with your dog’s (horse, cat, (self), etc) behavior.

“He looks like a war horse!” my friend exclaimed to me in a text, after catching a look at Storm in the field playing with the babies. Mind you, he’s 21, no spring chicken anymore. But we’ve been quietly working two to three times a week, every week, for quite some time now.

Her comment made me proud. The work we’ve been doing is about as interesting as watching paint dry on the outside. It’s walking. Plain, mundane walking. But it’s like a duck in water, you can’t see how much paddling is going on underneath the surface. All of those hours of undetectable changes were beginning to reveal results.

“A feather’s-weight more, weighs a lot.” I had to read it a few times to understand what Katherine Morgan Schafler meant in her book, The Perfectionsist’s Guide to Losing Control. But once it sank in, the true weight of the statement hit me.

Life doesn’t happen in big radical changes. We love to tie all our hopes and dreams (and goals) up in the idea of radical change, but that’s a recipe for frustration, and ultimately disappointment.

It’s cliche, right? “Be the change you want to see.”

The trouble is that it’s true, which is what makes the statement so annoying in and of itself.

Changing ourselves is so much more difficult than focusing on what’s wrong out in the world.

But that doesn’t get us anywhere, and it really only adds to our misery and suffering. And who wants that?

The most overlooked aspect of affecting our pet’s behavior actually has nothing to do with our pet. It has everything to do with us.

People often come to me struggling with an aspect of their pet’s behavior that they don’t like - excessive barking, pulling on the leash, spooking horses, not listening, the list goes on.

As we explore what is going on for the pet, I start to notice that whenever these things are happening, the human is thrown off balance. Sometimes they’re not in balance before the event happens, sometimes the event itself triggers the human to become out of balance.

Our pets have a way of revealing our blind spots, if only we’re willing to look. It often comes with a dose of humble pie, which can be very uncomfortable, but worth the look.

Let me tell you a story.

A dear friend of mine asked to spend some time with me and the horses to learn more about them. So we spent several mornings together hanging out and grooming and I spent time explaining all things horse and connection. She did not have any experience with horses, and just wanted to learn whatever she could.

As part of her introduction, I decided to teach her about leading a horse. The phrase “you can can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink” is probably as old as the hills, and is very true. And sometimes you can’t even lead a horse anywhere.

I don’t know about you, but some days it just seems like I’m wearing the cranky pants and it feels like there isn’t much to be done about it. The other day was one of those days, and I think Storm woke up on the wrong side of the barn, too, which didn’t help either one of us!

I headed to the barn to work him for the first time in a week due to #allthethings. It was a beautiful day for the first time in almost a week and I was looking forward to getting back to it. The bugs were bad (the con to getting a lot of rain) and so I put his fly mask on hoping that it would help him feel better.

So now that we’re building our accounts with our pets, let’s take this one step further.

Trainers are known for doing amazing things with animals of all different kinds. It’s also a common complaint that I hear from clients that the trainer can do things way better than they can.

This is usually met with a little defeatism and frustration on the client’s part, which is totally understandable.

Let’s unpack this a little bit, shall we?

Relationships are like bank accounts… Hear me out.

When working with your pet you have to build a relationship. It’s like opening a bank account. When you start, there’s probably no balance in the account at all. You and your pet are new to each other and have to learn about all the little quirks. You have to build a language together that is mutually understood. Every time you take action in relationship to your pet, you are either making a deposit or making a withdraw.

When you do something kind that connects you to your pet, that’s a deposit.

When you do something that strains the relationship, that’s a withdraw.

Every interaction is either a deposit or a withdraw on the relationship.

Many times clients come to me because there is a behavioral issue they are struggling with.

Constantly barking dogs, lunging at other dogs on the leash

Horses spooking, pawing, or “acting out”

One of the first things that I notice is that there is a deep, often visceral, response to the behavior that is triggered in the client. Whenever the behavior happens I can almost feel their stomach clenching, their shoulders tensing, and their breath getting short.

This is the number one question that I get from clients - are my pets happy?

The answer is almost always a resounding yes!

And that doesn’t mean that there aren’t things that we could do that would make them happier. (If you are questioning if you could make your pet’s happier, then you probably know somewhere inside that the answer is probably yes.)

Remember - you are the whole world to your pets. Which means their world is pretty small if we are being honest about it. Even for a horse with a large pasture, that’s still a small space compared to what they would experience in the wild.

So knowing that, what can we do to bring more joy and enrichment to our pet’s lives?

Only in the dark can you see the stars.

Here’s the thing, though - they’re always there.

Regardless of how bad things get, how cloudy it is, how brightly the sun shines, the stars are still there, quietly shining away.

But it is only in the darkness that we can see their beauty to appreciate them.

So it is with life, and especially with our pets.

I frequently get asked what my biggest tip for improving pet relationships is, and it is always the same.

Talk to them.

Nothing else can have as dramatic of an impact on your relationship with your pet than simply talking to them.

So what’s the big deal?

Your pet lives in your world, and whatever they have is all they have with you. It’s their entire world. But that doesn’t mean they understand what is happening in that world.

The thing is they are exposed to all of your life - the ups and downs. They live with you through job changes, relationship challenges, financial struggles, additions to the family. All the nitty gritty day to day grind, and all of your challenges they are right there with you.

This is a rant.

Consider yourself warned.

I took a quick vacation down to the mountains of North Carolina to see family this past week, and I adore the slow mountain pace. Things are just less pressured there, less rushed, less anxious all around. The collective energy is different (I know those mountains have just a little something to do with it, but that’s another conversation for another day…).

Coming back home was like being plunged in ice water. The energy here is just so different. Top that off with news about violence and car accidents, and a major earthquake in Turkey. Not the greatest re-entry into ‘normal’ life.

I see people everywhere fussing about other people. Relationships suffering because the other person won’t do this or that.

Here’s the deal. You must focus on doing you better before the world can be better. It’s a collective thing.

Gideon Goodheart, Kim Walnes’ stallion, recently shared some powerful wisdom around the perspective of judgement:

"Today, please consider judgement. In all of its aspects, it is non-supportive. It is also non-loving. This includes not only thoughts you might be thinking about another, but also those internal messages you send yourself.

For trust me, each and every one of those thoughts are messages. And though you may not even be consciously aware you are thinking them, they are being received. Judgement sends the implication of "less than", failure, exclusion. Physically they are felt as weakness and an energetic pressure. Emotionally they wreak havoc of all kinds.

Most pet owners come to me with all sorts of questions about how their pet feels about their daily life together. Do they like the house, their other family members (humans and other pets), what do they think of life? Sometimes there are specific questions around relationships, or health, and the owner will worriedly want to know what their pet is thinking.

What’s interesting is in almost every case the pet’s owner already knows the answer.